Grief Revisited

Have you ever lost someone that you knew would leave a huge hole in your life? Well for me that person was my grandma. Here I sit 12:33am and I cant sleep, Brad Paisley is singing on Jay Leno tonight, and I recall that Hailee and I went to that concert with my grandparents when Hailee was just 6 months old. I cant keep from thinking she would be here watching him, and enjoying it. Then tomorrow she would ask me if I saw him on the tonight show. Last night I was watching Americans got talent and one of the guys sang a song that reminded me of her and I cried. She has been gone for over a year now and the pain of her being gone is still just as fresh as the day she died. How do I get past it? How do I move on without her. Being here alone it always hits me harder, I have a break down almost every time Michael is gone. I guess I keep from doing it when he is here because I know that he hurts to, he hurts for the fact that this month will be one year since his mom died. It is also harder because she was so close I would call and talk to her about everything, and I cant do that. Yes I know that she is in Heaven and she is watching over me and she sees all the things I want to tell her, but I want to tell her these things, I want to hear her voice. I have prayed many times to hear her voice once more, even if only in a dream. And yes I have dreamed of her, but some how that is not good enough. I want more. I hurt so bad that she is gone and I just want her here. I hurt that I couldn't say goodbye. I hurt that I didn't realize how bad she was really. I hurt that my grandpa is alone and I cant do anything about it. I try, I try so hard each day to pretend that I am fine, but some days it is just so hard. Why? Why was it her time? I wasn't done with her here on earth. I know that God wanted her home and I cant change that, but I just miss her so much. I try not to talk about it to much because I know that people are tired of hearing it, so this is a way for me to release it, to get the feeling out. I found a poem that I have I copied and put her picture at the top it is called "If Tomorrow Starts Without Me" it is perfect for her. And I try to read it when I get down, but I just cant wrap my head around her not being here. There have been so many times I want to call her and tell her about the kids, the house, or just life in general, and I cant. I don't have that person anymore. I have no one. I want her so much. I love her so. I have this empty feeling that just wont go away. When does it stop? Does it ever? I am afraid that one day I will wake up and not remember the sound of her voice, or her smell. I am scared I wont remember the person she was. I want my kids to know that person, I want them to know that she was the greatest women ever. How can they know that? God how I miss her. ..........................