One of those days

I sit here tears rolling down my face as I watch one tree hill, the episode where the mom dies and I think as they all sit with the mom in her final moments will I be with my mom in those final moments? And I wonder if its scary, those final moments. Or are they peaceful? I pray with all my heart that it is peaceful.

I have been struggling a bit lately, work sux and some days I feel very alone. I haven't talked to my mom is two weeks and she never answers when I call. I miss her, I worry about her. But more I just want that closeness that I had so long ago with my grandma. Its still hard each day is a struggle. This year will be four years. How can that be? How can four years have past since I was able to talk to her and see her, laugh with her, share my day with her. God I miss her. I find myself struggling to find a place a fit in, where is that. Some days I feel a failure as a mom and most defiantly as a wife, my best friend is 18 hours away and I miss her. We have moved so much that it is hard to find that stable relationship with friends. I see daily when I pick the kids up from school the closeness the moms there have and I so want that. We are going to start going to church there and hopefully I will find my place there. I love Jenni, and she and I are close, but she leads her own life and I dont want to burden her each day with my woes.

About a month ago, H spent the night with two little girls from her class. Their mom is a doctor, and when she came home she said she was embarrassed to invite them to our house because theirs was so nice. I explained to her we have a nice home and her friends like her for her not what she has. I also explained to her that we have love in our home and that is what counts. But I know how she feels, I am stressed about money and stressed about work and stressed about home, my life is depressing. And I feel it pulling me down. I need a rope to pull me out. before I drowned.

I love my kids with all my heart and I would do anything for them, but I feel in my current mood they are being robbed of the happy things, and I feel bad but dont know how to fix it. I want to talk to my grandma and she would make me feel better, but I would settle for my mom and that isn't happening either. So I pray each night that God hug and kiss my Grandma for me, and that he will walk with me and guide me. I know this will surely get me out of my funk. I ask that you pray God to lead me in what ever path is right for me.

Till next time remember to hug and kiss your family and tell them you love them, today is gone and tomorrow may never come.........................................